This is love, and it hurts...

The piece of equipment that helps me love, is in sever pain, and have internal bleeding.

The damage can not be repaired, and I'm not sure I want it to be repaired.

I fell in love with someone who only had thought to love, but never really wanted to love.

And now here I sit in front of this computer, this instrument, of local, domestic, and international, desire to find something that is real, that does not exist.

I'm begging myself for forgiveness for putting myself through this turmoil again. You think you learn the first 3 times, and lesson so easily put, until you feel the pain again.

I didn't die last, and I probably will not die this time, but last time, I lost myself, and this time, I probably lose myself, because it is now obvious that I can not be trusted with my desires and emotions. I can't trust me,because every time I do, I crush, and torment me, I forget about me,

I punish me, I surfer because of me.

And to this guy who played with me, I wish you the very best. I hope you don't lose the sleep I lose at night. I hope you don't cry the tears I release in agony at night. I hope you don't have to walk around with broken equipment, in your that make is the key that hold one's life together, and I hope you never fall in love with a person, who don't love you, so you will never have to share my experience ...

Majette' Bleeding Love....

I DON'T CARE WHAT SAY I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU

Rip my heart out of my chest, and let it bleed, til it bleed no more. Let tears fall from my eyes like thunderstorms, from silly ideas of what make hearts melt. Do I Love YOU? YES, do you love me? Sure you do. Thats just the answer you gave so I would feel so akward.

Alone atlast, pitty me, how did I think someone would every love me. Care for me, be with me, and not push me away. Hold on to me, be there for me, love me til my dying day. It was only short, and what a fool I've been, letting go of my love, thinking like a fool, I would win. Well burn my life, let me fall apart, let the wind blow away ashes, and be released from desires of the heart.

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, in ending its always me to say goodbye. I wanted to be happy, I wanted for you to think of me always, I wanted to have some detail, that makes up distinctness, in courage by colors that make up, unpredictable concerns, to eyes that were not contact of yours and mine.

Give me love or give me death, give me enternity and my breath will have nothing left. I will never hurt again. I will never, try again. I wish I could formulate the words to say I hate you, but I love you, and hate me, I hate me for trying once more, for believing in the secure premidetated thought that you would alway be around. I hate me, for coming out of my shell, and believing that you where an option, a choice between the lonely, and me becoming a Better Man.

Let me go, and let me move on, for strange reason, I am so familiar with the lyrics to this song, and its the chorus starts like this,

" I thought he was different...."

Antroine

I want to say thank you, for giving me this chance at love once again. I promise myself I wouldn't mess it up. So I ask that you please don't let me. I will listen to you, love you, hold your hand. Make you happy, smile for you, when you can't, make you a better man, as I become one myself.

I never thought, that love would come so easy. I could imagine my self, knock down these walls, that I work my blood, sweat and tears, building.

I think of you, like the unconditionally, and you fullfill me emotionally, I'm away from you, and it drains, everything, that makes me happy. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies, are gray, blue, yellow and purple, and life has torn me down, and I think of the possiblities that at the end of the day, you will still be there. I want to hug you, and kiss you and never let you go. I want be with you, live my life with you, and always let you know.

That you are wonderful, a blessing, a treasure, a gem, when everything feels cold. I only think of him.You are summer days, warm cuddles under the blanket, on long winter nights. You feel like courage to my fears, you make me want push forward and fight. You give strength, so much strength, that I could have never found within myself. My mumphet baby, I wouldn't trade you for anyone else.

Yes I promise I will make mistakes, and sometime I will cry. I promise hard times, times your question, and you might have a moment or two, when you want to divide you and I. I can't give you world, but I can most certainly try. I can't always tend to your every need, but I'm always on your side. I promise that we will have fight, and have petty arguments, times when I get on your nerve. Times where you will want space from me, and times, when you wish I would leave you alone, for a min.

But I promise you love, me, and everything you want me to be. I promise a life with someone you will cherish and hold dear to you. A person you will always be there for you, a mind that remains clear to you, and a heart that will always be sincere to you.

My deariest apology

What happens if tomorrow, never comes. Does that make the good things you have done today, out balance the bad things you had done in the past. Or does it count for anything that you were going to do great things tomorrow. How does it feel to know that this could be your last day that the sun shines on your good graces? What would you say, what words would you choose to begin....


Well me I don't know, I guess I would start with asking for forgiveness, from God, for not being everything expected of me in his name. I guess I would wanna apologize to my little brother who I really never got a chance to understand or know because we were so busy kicking each other's ass, instead of loving each other as brothers and sticking up for one another. I would definitely have to apologize to my big brother for any bad things I have ever said, and understand that even I though he could have set better examples in life, that he is not me and how can I place him on a scale that he does not wish to be on.

I want to apologize the people I past on the street that ask me for a coin that I had to spare in my possession, but did not give, due to the fact that I didn't want my money to go towards drugs and or alcohol. Nor didn't I want to be apart the increase in lung cancer by tobacco corporation. Though it hurt me to past judgement, it hurt those of unfortunate worst, because maybe my quarter or dollars that's day could have a different between one more day of starvation, or a cheese burger from McDonald's. Instead of the the chewing gum I spent it on, or the snicker, I fed on to fulfill my chocolate craving.


How can I say sorry to those friends that I lost along the way, over my foolish attitude. The one's that I loved dearly, and hurt so bad, that I could never find words deep, or sincere enough to say, "I am SORRY". Please for give me, forgive me my friends, I left you with impressions of no need of your love, and yet months and years past and the tears my soul cry, are prayers that where ever you all are, and what ever yall are doing in life, that it be blessed. If I could change the hands of time I would resolve past issues, and instead throwing them a way.

I want to send out a dear apology to my great grandmother. May her soul rest in peace. My last words with her where rush, because of extra curriculum activities, and the day she departed this earth, I should have took the time to listen to her say goodbye, and said goodbye to her. Now and days we are so disregarded of our elders, that we forget that there days are final, my last words should have been, "I love you". Instead of the blurting out, " I gotta go grandma, I will call you later and just hanging up the phone." Not in acknowledge that later would never come. My great grandmother was dead and gone by the time I made it home that night.

I want to say to my dad, I know we had our differences, but somethings I should keep to myself, when talking to my father. You did your best, and I want to say thanks for the effort of just staying in touch and being there the best u can.I want to apologise to the stranger I crossed in life, and ignored as if they were not human beings. Because somewhere on someday it was a complete stranger who came to my rescue, when I could have been completely ignored as I had ignored others.

Last but not least I want to say sorry to my mommy, I'm sorry, that I am a black gay male. I sorry that you had to choose to love me unconditionally, despite my preference in life. I sorry if you ever wish other plans for me, as for as a wife and family. I sorry that you had to hear me out, when some guy broke my heart. I sorry for the phones calls you got at all hours of the night to hear me cry. I sorry that you had to sit down that day and write my name over and over, and the tears you shed that night when you finally faced the truth with reality. If I could change the way I felt, I would. If I could give you the life for me you wanted me to have I would, but I let you know this, I tried to make up for it, by doing things right in life. I sorry that you had to accept me for who I am. Learn to love me no matter whom I chose to live my life with..but thank you for making the acceptance..I could not have made it to where I am now, without everything moral piece love you invest inside of me.

Blah...blah...blah

If I stand on the edge of this cliff long enough, maybe I can remember about why I don't want to jump. I could reflect on love ones, who I would spend a lifetime, inflecting pain on from personal decesions, hearts I might break, and for one moment, I might come to realization that this is how I just feel for that at that moment...

Follow me into my world, where everything is not always what it seem. Hold my feelings in the palm of your hand, and watch as it sink through your life lines like melting ice, turning into water. Caress my soul with your fingertips, and find that loving yourself, is the first step to depression, and giving up is the best to identify, that you too have been screwed by america, and those whom you hold close to you, are the only ones, who never really cared.

Live my life for me, in this quest for happy thoughts, and fly with me to never never land, where we would never grow old, and never grow up. Never worry about what consequences of actions, pass the ideal of a week of no t.v and your mother saying, " no, you can't go hang out with your friends right today, until I finish cleaning my room", and I would sit and cry, as if I thought my life was over.

Being a child, never felt so good...